Tuesday is when I tackle some Five Sentence Fiction. Feel free to take Lillie McFerrin’s challenge to write a five sentence story based on a single word prompt. The word does not have to appear in your five sentences, just used for direction. This week’s word is Victory.
Here is my first offering:
There was no way he was backing down. The two of them were nose to nose and he could smell the coffee on her breath mixed with that God-awful hazelnut flavored creamer. He noticed tiny flecks of a lighter color sprinkled across her chocolate-brown irises like bits of randomly applied gold leaf; his resolve begin to wither. Suddenly a tear welled up across her bottom lid, overflowed and she finally closed her eyes. “Ha, you blinked,” he shouted triumphantly, “I win!”
I wasn’t crazy about my first attempt so here’s another. You tell me if I was victorious:
Sweat blossomed on the Olympic athlete’s upper lip like condensation on a tall cool glass of ice water as the American lined up his shot. “Frankly, Mark, if Brogan makes it from this distance he will surely have a new world record and he’ll be taking home the gold.”
“That’s true, but mark my words, Frank,” the second commentator replied in hushed tones as if the competitors could hear them, “if he misses he’ll be heading back to Iowa empty-handed.”
Tim Brogan, with number 17 pinned to his red, white and blue team jersey, worked hard to quell the nervous shake in his hands, then pressed firmly with his launcher and watched the plastic disk tumble through the air until closing his eyes and leaving the rest to fate. The blue pip clattered into the small cup at the center of the ring and the crowd erupted as commentator Frank yelled over the cheers, “What an incredible shot to win the gold; we’ll be right back with more tiddlywinks after this message!”
Got five sentences? Share them!
Ahahahahaha. Tiddlywinks? I’d watch that sport at the Olympics! Both were fun. I like ending on a not-so-serious note.
Thanks. Some times I feel that the humorous ones lack something so it’s nice to hear if they are working or not.
A breath of fresh air for me because I always write doom and gloom.
I liked them both, but the first was my favourite..xx
I clicked like—but i have to go on and say that I love your Site. I had a hard time leaving and getting back to my own little world (blog site). Please keep inspiring your readers! I, for one, will continue to visit for fresh ideas!
Thanks so much for your support. I am so glad that you stopped by (and evidently stayed for a while)! that means a lot. See you again soon…
Two good pieces.
However, I connected more with the first… loved how you captured a few precious moments in five sentences. Really cool.
Thanks for the feedback. I had more fun writing the second one. It’s interesting to find out that many liked the first one better…
They’re both very good, but I think I preferred the first. That was a really good twist, I wondered what on earth was going on between them. Nice work.
Thanks. One never knows what is going to make that connection with the readers…
Both are excellent examples of getting a damn good laugh – personally though I preferred the way you did the second one, indubitably!
I’m glad to here they elicited a chuckle. I liked the second one too. A lot of people have been voting for the first though. One never knows….
To each his own and of course variety is the spice of life – cliche or not, all this applies to story-telling quite well (as it does to most things actually!
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Gags are important and writing them can be tough. I liked both of these and the second was my favourite one. Looking forward to more of your stuff in the future.
Cheers,
W.
Thanks. I agree. Humor is tough to write and I never know how successfully it comes across. Thanks for the feedback and for stopping by.
I took up the 5 sentence challenge and would appreciate it if you checked out my story “The Question” on Alphabet story.
I would love to! where can I find it? I looked for a link on Lillie’s website but didn’t see a link to your story. What’s the URL of your blog?
I liked both your entries, by the way–hard to choose one over the other.
Well, that’s good news that they equally entertained. Thanks for the feedback!
Ah!! I liked them both. The second one had me laughing by the end. So serious and intense, then ‘tiddlywinks’…awesome
I loved them both. The first one I was wondering what on earth was going on between the two as it was so serious; the ending was really good. The second one; well what can I say? Tiddlywinks! Love it. I used to play as a child. Be an excellent Olympic sport; only #Team GB would win
xx
Elizabeth– I am glad you liked my FSF submissions. I am sure US and GB would be in the finals battling for gold…